


Supernova

by captaineifersucht



Category: Adam (2009), Charlie Countryman (2013), Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Cancer, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Sickfic, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 12:32:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4305210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captaineifersucht/pseuds/captaineifersucht
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam is diagnosed with brain cancer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Supernova

**Author's Note:**

> geometrypangs said: I just thought of a cool prompt Where Adam raki has terminal cancer and is in his deathbed. Nigel being the stubborn bastard he is tells him he's going to live and talks sweet nothings to him. All the while Adam talks about the planets and stars and how much he loves Nigel. And on his deathbed he'll ask Nigel to love him forever and Nigel promises to love him until all the stars die and even after until nothing exist but nebulas and their love. They do crazy things together and experience Life together before the big it. And just a whole lot of hear wrenching times where nigel wants to comfort his lovely sparrow and eventually has to come to terms with his death.
> 
> Sorry this took five thousand years, hopefully you like it!! :)
> 
> Playlist can be found [here](https://8tracks.com/lemonscientist/supernova)
> 
> Song of note: _How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful_ by Florence and the Machine, which finally kicked my ass into writing this wonderful prompt. 
> 
> " The trumpets at the end of that song —that's what love feels like to me: an endless brass section that goes off into space"--Florence Welch [[x](http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/florence-and-the-machine-announce-new-album-how-big-how-blue-how-beautiful-20150212)]

**Supernova:** _A star that suddenly increases greatly in brightness because of a catastrophic explosion that may completely destroy the star._

_The most massive stars have the shortest lives._

\---

Nigel left his place in the cartel faster than anyone could imagine. No arguments, no gunshots, only cordial exchanges of contact information and remaining stashes of drugs for stacks of cash, bound tightly in colored strips of paper.

He traded heroin and cocaine away, for temozolomide, carmustine, radiation therapy, and long hours in surgical waiting rooms.

\--

Three months after Nigel promised Adam that he would never allow anything to come between them, including his work, the younger man started to get headaches. He missed work, couldn’t eat. Small things slipped his mind, parts of his rigid daily routine fell apart. Adam was miserable. Nigel didn’t know what to do—he wasn’t a fucking doctor.

On a Monday morning, Adam had a seizure. The long line of his torso went rigid in Nigel’s arms in the middle of a documentary about the engineering of underwater cables, heavy in a way that was unfamiliar, before beginning to convulse violently. His limbs, thin and weak already from lack of nutrition, jerked uncontrollably in Nigel’s firm grasp. Saliva dripped from his mouth. Nigel was out of his league.

The same afternoon, after multiple scans, Adam was sedated for a biopsy. It was a lesion, they told Nigel. They needed more conclusive information before a diagnosis could be made. They shaved part of Adam’s head and sent for labs. Nigel held limp fingers in his palm as the hours ticked by.

When the sun set, an oncologist explained that Adam had a glioblastoma multiforme, grade IV, metastasized in his right frontal and temporal lobes. The black and white MRI images burned into Nigel’s retinas through blurred vision. Adam had nothing to say, no commentary.

Nigel paced the room as Adam signed consent forms for surgical resection of the tumors, tried to shut out the words of the surgeon. He didn’t want to know the risks, the chances that Adam would die on the table, let alone his survival rate if the operation was successful.

“ I’ll see you in a few hours, Nigel. Well, maybe eight. It can take up to two hours for me to come out of anesthesia in recovery. I don’t think they’ll let you back there, there’s a lot of rules with cancer patients. No immune systems and—“

“ I love you.” Nigel’s heart clenched uncomfortably, his throat tight and stomach sick. “ They’ll let me back there, don’t fucking worry.”

Adam smiled sweetly. The powder blue surgical net mimicked the color of his eyes. Nigel attempted to focus on his dimpled cheeks, not the multiple wires and tubes stuck to him.

“ I love you too, Nigel. Please be nice.” His fingers, thinner and softer than Nigel’s, slipped to the bed. They were approaching the doors where Nigel would have to stay behind. “ For me.”

\--

Nigel bought them plane tickets to Hawaii two months after Adam’s surgery.

The resection only removed forty percent of the tumors. There was no options for further surgeries without a risk for significant brain damage. No surgeon would pick up the case. Adam went to radiation for six weeks, until what hair remained after the surgery fell out and his skin became sallow and gray. Nigel organized his pills by day, time, and shape.

“ You know, it’s really unlikely that we’d ever be in a plane crash,” Adam explained while the safety video played in front of them. A blond flight attendant demonstrated how to properly secure oxygen masks to yourself and others if the pressure changed too greatly. Nigel watched attentively—his carefree, daredevil personality had long disappeared. Adam needed him present and aware.

The flight itself was around six hours. Nigel knew that Adam would sleep restlessly for at least half of the trip. Fatigue was the most prominent of Adam’s emotions lately.

“ It was really fucking unlikely you and I would ever become a couple, Adam.” Nigel intertwined his fingers with Adam’s over the armrests. His eyelids, bruised and baggy, were already drooping.

“ I don’t understand.” Adam’s cheek rested against Nigel’s shoulder. “ I love you.”

Nigel rubbed his free hand over Adam’s bald head before he pressed a kiss there, on a patch of skin untouched by the peeling dryness of radiation. “ I love you too, gorgeous.”

Adam couldn’t bring himself to eat the airplane food when it was offered. Nigel watched as his lover slipped in and out of consciousness, never truly sleeping. They were the last to disembark the plane.

In the taxi, Adam slept heavily. Nigel rested his fingertips along the younger man’s pulse, watched the rise and fall of his chest. They stopped briefly at the hotel to drop of their bags. When Nigel asked if Adam needed to rest before they headed back out, the younger man laughed until he saw Nigel’s frown.

“ I slept for a long time, didn’t I?”

With no small amount of effort, Nigel smiled. He handed Adam his pills and a glass of water. “ If you need to sleep more, darling, you can sleep. We have all the goddamn time in the world.”

“ It’s impossible for anyone to have all the time in the world, Nigel. Especially me.” Adam swallowed his pills in sets of two--first the two red capsules, then the white, the pale blue, and finally the collection of off-white, eggshell, or pale colored tablets. He finished the glass of water slowly. “ I’m dying.”

“ The fuck you are.” Nigel finished unpacking their toiletries, his skin itching and eyes burning with unshed tears. “ Do you want to nap or not, Adam?”

Adam was sitting on the edge of the bed when Nigel returned to the room. He faced out the French doors to see the sparkling blue water and white sand. Nigel sat next to him.

“ I’ve upset you, haven’t I? What did I do?.”

“ Of course not, gorgeous.” Nigel tried to school his features. He placed a hand on Adam’s thin thigh, hidden by too big khaki shorts. “ I just want to make sure you have a good time.”

Adam leaned fully against the line of Nigel’s body, like a trusting pup. “ I’m with you. I’ll have a good time no matter what. And no, I don’t want to nap. I want to go out, see everything. It’s all so pretty!”

Nigel followed him to the balcony, rested his chin atop Adam’s head. He remembered doing something similar months before, only being able to smell fresh shampoo and feel soft curls tickling his jaw. “ Tomorrow, we’ll see whatever you want. But I have plans for us today.”

Adam’s bright smile, nearly free of exhaustion, was worth it.

\---

The drive to Mauna Kea was long and uneventful. Despite his efforts to stay alert and look at every inch of greenery and seascapes, Adam succumbed to sleep. His eyes stopped darting back and forth between the windows, muscles relaxed and sun warm on his face. As much as Nigel loved to hear Adam’s knowledge spewed into the space between them, he came to appreciate the quiet, peaceful look on his face in sleep just as well. After the diagnosis, it was the only time where Nigel felt comfortable showing any emotion.

He reached over at a red light and gently pulled the knit cap Adam wore down over the tips of his ears.

\---

Per doctor’s orders, Nigel and Adam stayed in the Visitor Information Station for two hours to acclimate to the altitude before driving the rest of the way up the summit. Adam read every one of the available pamphlets over their late lunch of soda and sandwiches. Nigel agreed to coming back down for stargazing after the sunset--anything to see the sparkling excitement in Adam’s eyes, to erase the glaze of pain medicine.

They drove up the mountainside at a slow 25 mph in their rental car, in a caravan. Adam stayed awake the whole half hour. 

A guide escorted them and three other couples around the grounds, as well as inside one of the observatories. Adam’s pupils were dilated, his mouth agape. 

“ The Gemini telescope is operated by astronomers from seven different countries, including the US, Canada, Brazil, England, Australia, Chile, and…”

“ It’s an optical infrared telescope, one of the eight here,” Adam commented in the middle of the guide. His voice wasn’t loud enough to interrupt, just to supplement Nigel with more information. “ More than 8 meters wide in diameter. There’s two of them, together they can see the whole sky! The other telescope is in…”

Nigel was looking to where Adam had gestured to, the stairs leading upwards into the dome of metal and geometric shapes. His gaze flitted back to the guide, who was still speaking, and then to Adam, who had stopped.

“ Adam?”

The young man’s eyes were glassy, brows pinched, like he was in pain.

“ Adam, darling, are you hurting?” Nigel laid a hand on his bicep, squeezing and tugging them off to the side. “ Do you need an oxy? I have your pills.” 

When they made eye contact, Nigel saw the tears slipping down Adam’s cheeks. “ I can’t remember.”

“ Can’t remember what?”

“ Where the other Gemini telescope is.” 

Adam’s body fell easily into his arms, trembling and shaking at a high frequency. He was too small, his entire mass a fraction of what it used to be. “ It doesn’t fucking matter, gorgeous. It’s okay, I promise. We’ll ask the guide, she can fucking tell us.”

He felt the eyes of the group on them, the slow shaking of Adam’s head. Nigel cradled Adam’s skull in one hand, craned his neck to send death glares to the rest of the group. He and Adam didn’t need their sympathy, their guesses as to what was wrong. How were they supposed to know what it felt like to lose an eidetic memory to rapidly growing tumors and the treatments that were supposed to stop them? How could they imagine the amount of hurt experienced when watching the person you love go through it?

“ I want to remember.” Adam whispered against his chest. “ I used to know.”

Nigel didn’t know what to say. He pressed his lips to Adam’s forehead, hugged him tighter. “ It’s gonna be okay.”

They managed to go through the rest of the tour with no hiccups. Adam refused the pain medication and mild sedatives Nigel offered. At the end, Adam asked the guide for more information about the Gemini telescopes and rattled out numbers and terminology that Nigel didn’t comprehend. The two of them stayed behind on the summit while the rest of the group drove back down.

Atop the mountain, Nigel spread out a large quilt and set down a picnic basket. The cool air made Adam’s cheeks flushed with his old, ruddy blush. They sat close together and ate vegetables, fruit, chicken salad, and chips. Since the radiation, Adam was less picky about food. Nigel was glad--if his old rules were still in place, Adam would have starved.

“ I love you, Nigel.” Adam leaned heavily upon Nigel’s chest. His fingers were salty when they pressed to Nigel’s lips. “ Thank you for bringing me up here. I never expected this.”

Nigel gently licked the finger tips near his tongue. He pressed a kiss to Adam’s temple. “ I love you too, gorgeous. More than anything else in the fucking world.”

Adam smiled sweetly at him, looked from the sunset over the city skyline to the orange light glowing across Nigel’s cheekbones, highlighting the long strands of his hair. His eyes were bright with wonder, confusion. “ Anything?” 

“ Of course, Adam.” Nigel shook his head, held the younger man closer. “ You know that, right? You know I love you. I’d do anything for you. If I could save you, I’d spend any goddamn amount, kill anyone I had to. I just want more time with you, darling. I’ll always want more of you.”

Adam nodded. He held Nigel’s hand tighter. “ I’m sorry that I’m leaving you.”

“ It’s not your fucking fault, gorgeous.”

“ I know.” 

\---

They spent the week in Hawaii indulgently eating and laying on the beach in the shade. Adam wasn’t allowed to have too much exposure to sunlight, so Nigel bought them a large umbrella to lounge under. 

.In the mornings, Nigel woke Adam with slow kisses, laving every inch of skin with his tongue. He worked from face to chest, down to his groin in small increments, until he could reach the tip of Adam’s cock. There was no rush, so he licked languidly, teasingly over his length, sucked softly to hear the sweet whimpers of pleasure, to watch Adam’s fingers dig into the sheets below them, to feel his hips buck upwards into Nigel’s mouth. Nigel adored watching Adam spiral out of control. He loved being the one to make it happen.

They made love in the middle of the week. It was late when they returned home. Adam was too tired to lie in the bath and let Nigel scrub the salt of sweat and gritty sand from his skin. Sure, there would be uncomfortable grains of it all over the sheets in the morning, but this trip was about Adam. Nigel didn’t care. 

The moonlight bathed their room in a glowing light. Adam was restless, in a way that wasn’t associated with medication. When Nigel was about to fall asleep--he could only stay awake for so long--Adam rolled atop of him. His narrow hips circled atop of Nigel’s pelvis, pressed downwards. Nigel’s eyes snapped open. It had been weeks since Adam had the energy for anything more than receiving pleasure.

“ Sure you’re okay for this, darling?” he mumbled into Adam’s neck. The boy was hunched over him, his movements speeding up. 

“ I want you.” Adam’s voice turned into a whine.

“ I know, baby, okay. You have me. Want me to blow you?” Nigel ran his fingers along Adam’s sides, dipped his fingers into the dimples on Adam’s lower back. “ Whatever you fucking want, gorgeous. Just tell me.”

Adam shook his head, pressed his ass down firmly. “ I want _you_ ,” he insisted. His eyes were hooded with something headier than fatigue. “ Please, Nigel.”

How was he ever supposed to say no to Adam?

“ Alright, darling. You want me to fuck you?” 

“ Yes,” Adam gasped into Nigel’s mouth. The kiss was sloppy, Nigel trying to make up for the lack of saliva that Adam produced after radiation, to soothe the dry mouth away. 

Nigel flipped them over. Adam only wore a pair of long pajama bottoms, and Nigel boxers. They were bare in seconds, pressed flush to one another in the sticky summer heat. It was hard to restrain himself, to refrain from pressing his fingers deep inside of Adam two at a time, thrust inside with only minutes of prep, fuck into him until the bed frame shook and he could feel his heart in his throat. 

He took his time. Adam laid on his stomach, cheek pillowed so he could look over his shoulder when Nigel licked him open. His jaw was slack to let sounds freely spill from his lips. The moans only served to push Nigel to lick harder, press his nose deeper, to do anything to hear more from Adam. If he could still thrust his hips down into the mattress like that, tug his hair when the sensation became overstimulation, it was the same Adam that Nigel had fallen in love with. Adam was alive, he was here, and Nigel could make him feel things that no one else had ever provided. That was what mattered.

“ Nigel--God, p-please stop.” 

When he was sure that it wasn’t pain or discomfort that had made Adam want to stop, Nigel let the younger man roll over to his back, his legs splayed to either side. He made a beautiful picture, the tip of his cock flushed red with blood, pale limbs framing the crease of his ass, spit-slicked skin of his hole. Adam stroked himself lazily when Nigel stretched him with fingers and more lube. At three digits, his hand stayed Nigel’s wrist.

“ I know,” Nigel soothed. He scooted back and rested his butt on his heels to slick his length with lube. “ I’m gonna fuck you so good, baby.” 

It was easy to slide inside of Adam’s pliant body after the thorough preparation. Nigel went slowly, let Adam organize his legs as comfortably as possible around Nigel’s hips as their pelvises moved closer together. Adam’s thin frame was heaving, shaking with each moan. When he was fully sheathed inside of his lover, Nigel shuddered.

“ Fucking hell, Adam,” Nigel swore against the other man’s chest. They were folded together, hips rolling in a slow, gentle rhythm. Adam whined louder, his erection jerked up against Nigel’s abdomen, the head and slit wet with precum. The thin hand of his lover was pushed away, replaced by Nigel’s much larger and calloused one. He moved slowly, in the opposite rhythm of his hips, to prevent Adam from being overstimulated. Even after the cancer, radiation, and cocktail of drugs, Adam was still so sensitive.

“ I want you to fucking cum for me, gorgeous.”

“ ‘M trying,” Adam grunted. His abdominal muscles undulated under thin skin, eyes screwed shut.

Nigel aimed his thrusts towards Adam’s prostate. The muscles around him clenched and squeezed--Adam trying to make his own pleasure, bring himself to orgasm without too much reciprocal movement. Neither of them was going to last very long. It had been months since Nigel had been inside of Adam. 

Nigel felt his balls tightening as he pressed deeply into his lover’s body. His back curved, shocks and impulses jumped down his spine, adding to the mounting warmth and pressure deep in his groin. He rode the edge of orgasm with shallow thrusts and stunted breathing until Adam’s hit. The semen, though reduced in amount, sluggishly spurted between their bodies. Nigel sheathed himself fully inside the fluttering ring of muscles and let himself go. 

“ I love you,” he panted. Adam’s skin was refreshingly flushed with color, covered in sweat. He was beautiful. “ Until the fucking end, Adam. I love you.”

“ Like a wedding vow.”

“ What?”

“ Til death do us part,” Adam recited. He was smiling, licking his gums. Nigel needed to get them water, to give Adam his medicine. “ In sickness and in health...we’re basically married, Nigel.”

Nigel snorted his laughter as he sat up, unhappy about leaving the comfort of Adam’s body. “ Til death do us fucking part,” he agreed from the doorway to the bathroom. 

\---

Adam and Nigel returned to California for a post-surgical consult and new prescriptions. The oncologist decreased his chemotherapy dosage, allowed a higher quantity of antiemetics. Nigel pulled the doctor aside while Adam was having blood drawn to confirm approval on the rest of their travel plans. 

They stopped in Wisconsin to see the Yerkes Observatory. The older architecture reminded Nigel of home. Adam stayed silent for the majority of their tour, afraid that any comments he might make would reveal further memory loss. In the evening, they ate cheese and drank wine until Adam’s belly was full and Nigel had to carry him up to their hotel room. 

On Tuesday Nigel bought a rental car for them to drive to Chicago. They flew out of O’Hare in the early evening in first class. There was no expense that Nigel would spare for Adam, even if he wouldn’t remember most of the flight.

Already, memories of their time in Hawaii were slipping Adam’s mind. He couldn’t recall the food they’d ate, what their room had looked like, or how many days they’d spent there. Two of the six had been completely forgotten. 

They spent a three hour layover in Madrid watching Netflix on Nigel's laptop--more documentaries. The connecting flight to the small airport in Tenerife was short, their airplane cramped even outside of economy. Adam watched the waves crash beneath them when the skies cleared. Before they landed, mountains rose into their view. 

" The Canary Islands are a part of Spain, even all the way out here by Africa," Adam informed them while their passports were stamped once more. " Their national park is really popular. Can we visit it?" 

" Of course, darling." 

“ The third largest volcano in the world is there.”

Nigel nodded, watching for their luggage to come around the carousel. “ Is that where the observatory is?”

“ That’d be silly!” Adam giggled against his shoulder. The sound was enough to bring a smile to Nigel’s face, one that creased around his eyes. “ It’s a great place to see stars, because we’re above the temperature inversion layer. This one is the first observatory, but there’s another on La Palma. It’s newer, more optical telescopes.” 

“ Did you want to visit that one too? If we have time?”

Adam looked like Nigel had bought him the whole universe. His eyebrows jumped up, grin appearing again. “ Really? Nigel...this is expensive. All of this travel.”

Nigel yanked their shared bag from the conveyor belt. It was navy blue, sturdy, and had a red ribbon tied around the handle. He slung the duffel bag over one shoulder and used his other arm to pull Adam close to his side. “ Adam, money doesn’t fucking matter. Not one goddamn bit. I love you, gorgeous. Anything you want, it’s yours.” 

\---

The Teide Observatory offered a beautiful view of the craggy countryside and endless mediterranean sea. They toured two of the solar telescopes and sat on the mountainside. Nigel waited for Adam to start talking about the snow-capped volcano across the valley from them, but the words never came. He would never push Adam, but he missed the influx of facts.

Adam wore a wide-brimmed hat and Nigel reapplied sunscreen to his face to prevent any sun damage. They drank two gallons of water between them. When the sun began to set, Nigel wrapped a scarf around Adam’s neck and they watched the stars appear above their heads.

He had reserved one of the telescopes for Adam to utilize through some application. They had an hour inside of the cold observatory where Adam was quick to rattle on about reflecting telescopes while having Nigel help him to open and rotate the dome. Nigel watched with wide eyes--how did Adam know how to do all of this? Where did he learn the skills? Nigel had wasted years on drugs and depravity instead of expanding his mind as Adam did. Half his age and the kid was so full of knowledge. It wasn’t fair. 

“ Look,” Adam instructed. He guided Nigel in front of the eyepiece and adjusted the viewfinder and secondary mirrors. Through the lens, Nigel saw darkness illuminated. The sky was lit in a way he’d never witnessed in Bucharest, exposing the depth of the universe. Adam tilted the view to frame a hue of red, blended and curled into satin navy, dotted with the burning stars. For a moment, Nigel understood.

He stepped away from the telescope. Adam quickly took his place and the tears burned Nigel’s eyes. 

Through Adam, he was able to finally see. The amateur astronomer had shed light to his world, cleared away the inky black of his being to show patches of brightness. There had been good in Nigel--he just needed Adam to adjust his viewpoint. To find it.

Nigel laid his hand on the back of Adam’s neck, unable to comprehend his lover’s words. The oncologist told them they had eight months. Three of them were now gone. 

He looked at the night sky with his naked eye and saw what was expected. Darkness. Nigel thought about what was expected of him, without Adam.

It wasn’t fucking fair.

\---

The morning that they planned to ferry from Tenerife to La Palma, Adam’s headaches returned. It wasn’t the dull throbbing he’d come to expect as a late effect from radiation to the head, but a sharp, pulsating throb of blood--like he’d felt before the seizures. Adam asked if they could spend another day on the largest of the Canary Islands instead of traveling overseas in the unstable ship for hours. He explained it as nausea, not pain. Nigel didn’t need to worry.

\---

When they returned to California for the second, and the last, time, Adam began to make arrangements for himself. His father didn’t have proper warning to organize his affairs and everything had become a mess of lawyers and paperwork. Nigel deserved better than misery and arguments after he passed.

Nigel would get the condo, so he could move out of his shitty third floor studio with the broken radiator and leaky kitchen sink. Adam wouldn’t have any savings after the medical and funeral expenses were paid, but all of his physical belongings were for Nigel as well. 

His cluster headaches got worse, vision blurred. Adam couldn’t hide the memory loss, the reduced mobility and dexterity on his right side. Nigel attributed it to the radiation and chemotherapy medication, until he seized again. It wasn’t just jerking of his muscles, as before his diagnosis, but something stronger. Adam couldn’t remember anything after dropping his plate of macaroni and cheese and crashing to the floor.

He woke in a hospital bed, with an IV in his hand and nasal cannula blowing cool, sterilized air into his nose. Adam drummed his fingers to hear the pulse ox monitor tap against the railing. Nigel jerked awake beside him.

“ Adam?” Nigel brushed a hand over his forehead, as if there were still curls there for him to move away. He used his free hand to press the call button at Adam’s side. “ How are you fucking feeling, darling?”

“ Tired.”

Nigel laughed. It sounded wet, like he had a clogged nose. “ Well, it’s two in the fucking morning. Go back to sleep, gorgeous.” 

“ I need to spend time with you.” Adam knew. He knew that the only reason for the seizures, the headaches, the pain--all of his old symptoms--was recurrence. He’d been warned. His cancer was aggressive. Most of the other patients being treated for GBM in the clinic were in their forties and fifties. Some were on their second or third resections. With each new tumor, their prognoses were cut from two years to two months, from weeks to days. 

None of them lived past five years. 

Nigel squeezed his hand. The nurses asked him questions to assess his neurological state. Adam couldn’t remember who the president was. While the machines were free, Adam slept through MRI, PET, and CT scans.

In the morning, the oncologist came to see them. Adam accepted his fate before the white coat stopped swaying. Nigel was still hopeful, eyes brimming with tears. Who knew what the doctor would say? Medicine improved all of the time.

“ I’m sorry, Mr. Raki,” Dr. Ozer began. Nigel reflexively jumped out of his seat and began to pace. “ The tumors have regrown around the original lesions. Since the resection, there’s been a 40 percent increase in the cross sectional size. There has also been progression into the left hemisphere of your brain.”

He paused to let the information set in. Adam was not surprised. Nigel was alight with rage. 

“ A second surgery is possible, but there is no guarantee that any removal would greatly extend your life.”

“ How fucking long does he have?” Nigel barked mid-stride.

The doctor didn’t flinch, but turned to address Nigel’s moving form more fully. “ Three weeks, maybe a month.”

“ I don’t want the surgery.”

Nigel spun on his heel to face the younger man, his eyes fierce with hurt. “ Adam!” 

“ No, Nigel. I want to be with you, at home. I want to go to the park. Not be stuck in recovery for a week.” Adam looked to Dr. Ozer, “ How soon can I be discharged?”

“ Tomorrow. We will stop the chemotherapy drugs. I can prescribe more Zofran for the nausea. If you would like, I can have a nurse help you with arranging hospice care.” 

Nigel remained silent for the rest of the conversation. The doctor left with a pat to Adam’s lower leg. In the morning, before he would be discharged, a nurse would provide him with palliative prescriptions for the remainder of his life and walk him through the process of hiring a hospice nurse. Adam wanted eight hour shifts for four nights of the week, so that Nigel could get some sleep.

“ So that’s it?” Nigel was leaning back in his chair, gazing out the window. His eyes were cloudy, the rims reddened. “ You’re just going to fucking die?”

Adam smiled. “ That was the plan, Nigel. I’m just early.”

“ Four fucking months, Adam!” Nigel stood again, only to fall to his knees at Adam’s bedside. His hands clasped desperately at the seafoam green hospital gown bunched at the younger man’s waist. “ I was supposed to have four more fucking months with you. This isn’t enough goddamn time, Adam. I need more.”

Adam loosely gripped the long strands of Nigel’s hair. He massaged his scalp slowly. “ It’ll be okay. I love you.”

Tears soaked into the bedsheets. Nigel laid his cheek onto the mattress. “ I love you too, gorgeous.”

\---

They returned to Adam’s condo when the smog was heavy in the city, skies gray and bleary. Adam had arranged for a hospital bed to be put in the front room--for natural light, ease of access for treatment, and the eventual removal of his body. It would arrive at the end of the week. Nigel hoped that he had that much time. 

It was a mild day, so Adam threw open the windows to let the breeze in. Together, they curled up beneath a fleece on the couch to watch comedy movies until the sun set. Adam couldn’t quite figure out how to make Nigel feel better.

At dinner, he barely touched his food. Two bites of macaroni, a sliver of chicken. Nigel felt guilty eating his whole meal, while Adam starved.

“ Not hungry?”

“ Not hungry,” Adam echoed as he began the dishes. He’d taken a pill for the nausea, but was less concerned with his appetite and more with the ability to have sex with Nigel without getting sick to his stomach from the repetitive motions. It would be the last time. 

Nigel wanted to ravish Adam, to cover him with years of potential love in mere hours. Adam laid back and let it happen. He tried to be present for every one of Nigel’s kisses, to reciprocate the movements and vocalize his appreciation. It was hard to stay awake after the first orgasm, but he remained awake long enough to know a second wasn’t going to happen. 

As he fell asleep, Adam could feel the dripping of tears on his clavicle and semen down his thighs. 

\---

After their first night home together, Nigel rarely saw Adam sleep. He slipped in and out of consciousness, eyes glassy or closed most of the time. For a time, Nigel considered jerking Adam off, or blowing him, as the physical release had seemed to help him sleep, but Adam was never awake for long enough.

Nigel wanted that time spent together, just existing. The way couples were supposed to. If they’d had time, the way that he and Adam would have had years to spend in between meals and workdays. A comfortable silence, nonchalance of limbs pressed together. Sharing breaths, small kisses. 

There was so much that Nigel wanted to cram into Adam’s last weeks. 

Instead, he helped Adam write an e-mail to Beth and sat by while he called Harlan. The two of them would be visiting within the week. If it made Adam feel better, Nigel was happy to help. 

Each evening they walked to the park down the street to better see what stars appeared in the night sky. Adam watched the bushes for “the raccoon family”, but Nigel didn’t understand. They’d never seen raccoons there before. The doctor had warned him that Adam’s memories might become confused, a blur.

By the end of the first week, Nigel had to push Adam in a wheelchair to the park. His right leg was too weak. 

When the hospital bed arrived, Nigel insisted on sleeping in the living room as well, on the couch. Adam didn’t have the energy to protest. At night, Nigel concentrated on the whispering of Adam’s breathing, to make sure he was still alive.

\---

Adam needed to be catheterized the day before Beth flew in. His incontinence became too emotionally stressful for both of them. Nigel didn’t like to see his lover falling apart before his eyes, and Adam was embarrassed to the point of tears. 

Beth arrived in the afternoon via taxi. Adam had expressed a desire to see her to Nigel, before they’d gone about composing the e-mail together, but he now seemed disinterested. He squeezed her hand, but couldn’t focus his eyes. She was on the verge of tears when she left.

Nigel stopped her at the door. “ His vision is really fucking bad, now. And he just had a morphine patch after lunch. It’s not you. He really fucking wanted to see you.”

She blew her nose into a tissue and nodded. “ But he needs you. Thank you, for letting me see him.”

The humidity leaked inside when she opened the door, but Nigel still felt numb inside. Adam may need him, but he had no idea what to do.

\---

During the second week, Adam could only manage one meal a day, and even that was left unfinished. His urine output had rapidly decreased, so Nigel made sure to always have a water bottle with a straw in it nearby. He asked the hospice nurse if there was something they should do--” Fluids, that’s something they give to dehydrated people in the hospital, right?”--but she shook her head. Not for end of life care.

Harlan couldn’t afford the plane ticket. Nigel offered to pay it, but was informed that he couldn’t get off of work, either. He and Adam spoke on the phone for about five minutes before the call ended. Adam fell asleep again.

Nigel couldn’t blame Harlan. Seeing Adam like this would ruin the image of innocence that the young man had maintained for so long. A pure soul, untouched by the ugliness of other’s emotions, unscathed by pain. Sometimes, he wished that he could be somewhere else, instead of camped out in a chair, holding a limp hand and waiting for the silence of death. He wished that he had kept some cocaine, or heroin, for the inevitable decline. 

The day went by with Adam in and out of consciousness. When he was fully aware and awake he looked at Nigel with adoration. 

“ Thank you, Nigel.” His lips were cracked, the skin around his face stretched and gray. “ I love you, so much. I’m sorry that I’m leaving.”

It was the same three sentiments, like Adam’s brain was unable to come up with something new. Nigel didn’t care. He needed those words. One night, he recorded them on his phone. 

By the end of the week, Adam was unable to leave his bed. 

\---

The pain changed from headaches to aching all over. Adam was dizzy, just from Nigel helping him to sit up for a sponge bath. His breathing was wet, voice raspy, but swallowing was so difficult. They switched from pills to IV medication. 

Suddenly, Adam changed from sleeping all the time to being unable to sleep because of the pain.

Nigel watched as the bright blue eyes of his lover became glazed with a cocktail of oxycodone and temazepam, his pupils blown to different sizes and breathing shallow. He sat, helpless, when Adam couldn’t keep down even liquid nutrition. He whispered his love to a dying body that once vibrated with the need to learn and teach, but was now silenced by the tumors riddling its brain. 

\---

In the middle of the night, Adam began to chant lowly. 

“ No, no, no, no, don’t--”

The hospice nurse was off. Nigel rolled off of the couch and stumbled to Adam’s bedside. His eyes were wide open and he grasped weakly at Nigel’s wrist once they were close enough. 

“ What’s wrong, baby?” Nigel put his hand over Adam’s. In a few minutes, the words faded to rasping breaths.

“ I saw my dad. He was here.”

Nigel hesitated. He squeezed Adam’s hand. “ What did he say?”

“ He didn’t. He just looked around.” 

“ Okay.” Nigel felt his own pulse slowing. Maybe he could get back to sleep. Adam seemed free of his usual restlessness, a serene calm overtook his features. The shiny bald skin of his scalp glowed in the moonlight. “ Think you can go back to sleep?”

“ Yeah,” Adam whispered. He even smiled, which caused Nigel’s heart to beat faster. They kissed slowly, without tongues or fanfare, both of them needing the familiar action. When they parted, Nigel returned to the couch.

After a few minutes, Nigel was still awake. He waited to hear Adam’s breathing even out, but it never did. 

“ Nigel?”

He threw the comforter off of his legs. 

“ I don’t need you up here.”

“ Okay, gorgeous.” Nigel laid back down, but didn’t recover himself in blankets. What if Adam _did_ need him? “ What’s up?”

“ Will you always love me, even after I’m gone?”

“ Adam…”

“ I know I won’t be here for you to love me, but I’ll love you. Even when I die. I know I’ll still love you, Nigel.”

Nigel stared hard at the ceiling. “ I will always fucking love you, Adam. When you’re dead, when I’m fucking dead, when everyone on this goddamn planet is dead and there’s no stars left in the fucking sky. I’ll still love you. To the end of everything.” 

“ Oh,” Adam breathed. Nigel wanted to respect his wishes and stayed put on the couch, even as one side of him fought to gather the boy into his arms. “ I didn’t know.”

“ Yeah.”

“ I love you too, Nigel.”

\---

Adam was in and out of consciousness for the next day. He never fully woke from that night’s sleep. The hospice nurse increased his dose of morphine and let Nigel do all of his sponge baths. 

During the night, his breathing turned into soft panting. It was fast, with not enough air. When Nigel asked him questions, Adam couldn’t answer. After a few hours, even his nods and shakes of his head became weak, indeterminable things. The skin of his arms and legs took on a bluish color.

At dawn, the nurse offered to stay for the remainder of the day. Nigel declined with grunts and waves of his hand, barely able to speak English now. The grief took up so much of him. 

It sounded like Adam had mucous in his throat when he breathed, now laboured. Every so often the panting would settle to normal respiration, and then cease for a few, terrible seconds. Nigel had been warned about this, but he was not prepared. Suddenly, he wasn’t prepared for anything.

The hours crept by and Nigel never left Adam’s side. This was a coma, he knew. He knew that Adam could still hear him, feel his touch. 

Eventually, Nigel found his voice. “ You can leave,” he whispered. The words were cut off by a sob, the cry coming from deep inside of him, shaking his diaphragm and forcing out unwanted tears. “ It’s okay, gorgeous. I love you, so fucking much. But it’s all right if you go. Whenever you’re ready, you just go ahead.”

Nigel stroked over Adam’s thin arms, his now pronounced cheekbones. He pulled the quilt higher up on his body. Adam looked at peace, calm and quiet. Within the hour, his breathing slowed dramatically. 

“ Til death do us part,” Nigel whispered into Adam’s chest. He had briefly considered begging Adam not to go, to stay with him, but it wouldn’t be right. Not that any of this was, to begin with.

Nigel almost didn’t notice the last exhale. He numbly felt for Adam’s pulse--on his wrist, his neck. There was nothing. 

His eyelids were half open, pupils directed ever-upwards. 

\---

It was unusual that a hospice nurse ever called 911 for the deaths they handled. Protocol was to let the family mourn with the body before contacting the funeral home.

Here, there was no family left behind.

Kayleigh had walked in on not one, but two corpses. The cancer patient, who had passed as expected and the early afternoon, and his friend, who had shot a bullet through his skull. There was a 38mm pistol in one hand, the other grasped tightly to Adam’s.

When asked to recount her experience for a police report, all she could think of was how Nigel’s blood and brain matter had been in the shape of a heart about his head.

**Author's Note:**

> bother me on [tumblr](http://lemonscientist.tumblr.com)


End file.
